Seeing the world differently

I think my problem when I see the world, I see with greater intensity than most. Every second is a new experience to discover the world. A new word to speak, a new idea to be had. For all my ups, there are just as many downs. I did not come this far without great peril. Some scars are too deep to heal quickly. Everyone loves the brightest colors, but nobody likes darker nights. To be open to one is to be open to both.
I want to believe that everything has its place in our world but it is not my job to see it all. My life is different, yes. I have had to see and do things that no human should have to see or do. This isn't some tumblr trash about my true gender identity and all that but simply a fact. While most people I know are off living their lives at college. I'm stuck here trying to hold lives together. Lying to protect others from the same pains I see everyday. When the day comes I can let someone in without hurting too much, I think will be a day too late. I am too slow to trust. I am too quick to cast out.
I can't change anyone else in this world, no matter what I try. I can assist as they change themselves but I cannot change them. In my mind's eye, every human interaction affects us. We all have shields. thought, that protect our identity. My shield is different. Instead of everything hitting me, I absorb it's energy, add it to my own and spit it out. Everything, we try to only filter in the good and leave out the bad, what if they were all the same thing. The good, the bad, the glowing reviews, the biting criticism.

Hard Work

I guess the bane of intelligence is the lack of a need for hard work. I didn't really know how to work at something until I was 17 when I had to work on myself. When the owner of where I work told me I was a horrible worker, I looked within and hit myself over the head by running through what I know. Now I realize it is two things: there seems to be no reward for hard work and loyalty, I'm sick of being the one taken for granted. I have done nothing but keep going and help to the best of my ability. Some days are the days I haven't slept in 4 nights, others are the days I am 200%.

My conclusion, I work hard for those who work hard for me. Once that stopped, I stopped. Maybe I should not be so petty. It is not all about me. I claim to know the value of work yet I am on here griping about myself. One thing I should remember is that I am small

The hardest part

What hurts the most is knowing that you are doing everything you can and more but sometimes it isn't enough. After all in the continuum of life I am but one speck, but I will be damned before I just roll over and take it. This speck is a fighter

Pride

For all those who don't know, I am a high school drop out. Yes. I know. Its hard to believe but I have a GED. Life has repeatedly beaten my butt to a point where I ran. Hell, sometimes I wonder if I havent done anything but run. My parents, were able to send me off for some much needed help when I needed it but I harbored so much darkness in my heart. Even these days I wonder, are my parents proud. Of course to my face they will tell me they are proud. I mean my parents aren't rude and indignant. But I sit here wondering am I a sore subject. I mean my sister is the best child of the family, she sits there and gives everything her all she is more likely to succeed than I am. What am I. Another drop out. A guy who can barely keep a job and a guy who didnt have anyone celebrate the fact he made it. I guess I should face it I am no one.

CNN

HEY CNN HEY CNN HEY CNN HEY CNN
Remember that time you black-mailed that guy from reddit?
Too soon? Too late.
Wait is the word black-mail racist? If so, what word should we use? I dont know let me check thesaurus.com. One moment
...
It says bribe, but that doesnt make any sense I'm not giving someone money to sway my decision.
Extortion, I mean I guess that works but I dont think it has the same ring. Oh well, racist or not it will be used #redfemale. I'm color and gender blind

Mistakes

The hardest mistakes are the ones we could have prevented. You look back and tell yourself this could have been prevented. I had such mistakes and I dearly paid for them. They came between my family, the caused me to yearn for their approval. I would constantly do things for them but that wouldn't change a thing. I sit here today torturing myself because most of my issues stem from my stupidity. I feel so alone but at the same time I can't let anyone too close, it hurts too much and I cant trust anyone anymore. But ultimately it's my fault and that is the whole of it

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa

A thought for the evening

Over the course of politics and identity crises, there are more important things on my mind. I think of the other people in this world and what kind of legacy I leave. Will it be a good? Who have I hurt, Is my time being spent well? Do the people I care about know I care? Oh well back to numbing the throbbing questions with puppy videos til I fall asleep,