The hardest part

What hurts the most is knowing that you are doing everything you can and more but sometimes it isn't enough. After all in the continuum of life I am but one speck, but I will be damned before I just roll over and take it. This speck is a fighter

Pride

For all those who don't know, I am a high school drop out. Yes. I know. Its hard to believe but I have a GED. Life has repeatedly beaten my butt to a point where I ran. Hell, sometimes I wonder if I havent done anything but run. My parents, were able to send me off for some much needed help when I needed it but I harbored so much darkness in my heart. Even these days I wonder, are my parents proud. Of course to my face they will tell me they are proud. I mean my parents aren't rude and indignant. But I sit here wondering am I a sore subject. I mean my sister is the best child of the family, she sits there and gives everything her all she is more likely to succeed than I am. What am I. Another drop out. A guy who can barely keep a job and a guy who didnt have anyone celebrate the fact he made it. I guess I should face it I am no one.

CNN

HEY CNN HEY CNN HEY CNN HEY CNN
Remember that time you black-mailed that guy from reddit?
Too soon? Too late.
Wait is the word black-mail racist? If so, what word should we use? I dont know let me check thesaurus.com. One moment
...
It says bribe, but that doesnt make any sense I'm not giving someone money to sway my decision.
Extortion, I mean I guess that works but I dont think it has the same ring. Oh well, racist or not it will be used #redfemale. I'm color and gender blind

Mistakes

The hardest mistakes are the ones we could have prevented. You look back and tell yourself this could have been prevented. I had such mistakes and I dearly paid for them. They came between my family, the caused me to yearn for their approval. I would constantly do things for them but that wouldn't change a thing. I sit here today torturing myself because most of my issues stem from my stupidity. I feel so alone but at the same time I can't let anyone too close, it hurts too much and I cant trust anyone anymore. But ultimately it's my fault and that is the whole of it

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa

A thought for the evening

Over the course of politics and identity crises, there are more important things on my mind. I think of the other people in this world and what kind of legacy I leave. Will it be a good? Who have I hurt, Is my time being spent well? Do the people I care about know I care? Oh well back to numbing the throbbing questions with puppy videos til I fall asleep,

1 AM

Its a quarter after one I'm all alone and I want oreos.

I know I should sleep, but I have no self control so I eat oreos

and I don't know how I can do without, I want OREOOOOOOO

Little rant

Lets get something REAL clear right now, I may look like I'm 12. I certainly don't act like it no.
Of course not! Thats a disgrace.
I act like I'm 8

Dear Mama

Dear Mom,
Today I am thinking a lot about the strength and characteristics that have been instilled on me. Endurance, perseverance, morality, respect. And in a world where women vary widely from shape and size to morals and values. I am glad that I had you as my role model.
I have a lot to thank you for starting with the beginning, My X chromosome. From that chromosome you gave me my intelligence, my spunk, my musical talent and much more. Then comes the next nine months. For almost a year you held me inside you to a final form. Completed, you went through the rigours of birth for me.
I know in the past I have done a lot to cause you pain but at the end of the day, I am glad I can come to you about anything and everything. Thank you, Mom, for caring about me so much. With pain and strife, you showed me that anything can be forgiven. Even when a sin tears a family to shreds, you brought us all back. Your emphasis of family gave me hope to one day have my own. Sometimes you do have to remind yourself you have to breathe but I think we are all allowed a fatal flaw.
You ran your own business while taking care of a rambunctious problem child and still was able to teach me about right and wrong. Duty and Honor. Want and Need.
I have learnt from you that people like us, with deeper emotions, have to be careful with them. They can drive us great distances but they can hurt people too. You taught me how to tell the truth, with varying degrees of success in the past due to student error. You taught me above all things how to love.
All in all you taught me things that I wouldn't have to learn the hard way. Lessons.
I know we have our differences, but I just want you to know I love you
Love,
Ink
PS Happy Mother's Day

Eric Quotes

The hardest part about life is actually living it.

Dear Papa

Dear Dad,
I don't know if you will ever read this but thank you. As I am lying in my bed with a fever, I'm listening to TED talks and one just came up that struck my heart. In today's world the most demeaning thing you can say to a boy is BE A MAN. When I look back, I never see those words in my childhood. Conversely, I only hear YOU ARE A MAN. Even at times I do not feel like a man, yoi have always told me, whether in deed or word, YOU ARE A MAN. Today, this man is thanking his father for everything he has ever done. Through joys and smiles, and the pains that have torn our family to pieces.
Oh, hell, right now I'm crying right now, and right now I am not ashamed. Right now these tears, are from love. You tought me how to cry, you taught me to laugh, you taught me to be in tune with myself. Most of these lessons I did not learn until much later, but not withstading, you laid a foundation for me, not to be a good man, but a great man. I can only hope one day I can pass on your lessons.
I went out to a men's retreat over a year ago, and we talked about St. Joseph. Now as I look back, even with all the icons, there was only one image that filled my head was yours. You were willing to give, whether or not you said a word, and give and give.
You were there when I betrayed you, you were there when I cheated and lied and attacked you. You are still here through Hell and highwater to tell me I love you. My only regret is, I wish I said it to you more often.
Recently, someone asked me what is your earliest memory. I did not reply but now looking back. I think it was me saying "I love you" and you saying "I love you, bud", Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there. Overall, thank you Dad.
I dont think I could ever have made it this far without you in my life.
I love you Dad,
Ink

P.S. I hope to many more years together, Abba.

Hindering me

I dont know what happened today
But everything seems to have gone away
I try my best to make my voice heard
But all you command, is no more words

I understand you are scared of what to do
but dont you realize your words hurt me too

What can I say when all you see
is that boy that left one winter
You say all you want to do is help
all that happens is you hinder
All my feelings are untrue
And I feel me start to splinter
I can't tell you how I feel without you hurt
But all the words just seem to hinder

While I sit in my room and cry
All I can do is wonder why?
"Why would you built me to be hated, God
When I already feel left out and odd"

If I had a Genie, I want one wish
So that they could see I'm not selfish

What can I say when all you see
is that boy that left one winter
You say all you want to do is help
all that happens is you hinder
All my feelings are untrue
And I feel me start to splinter
I can't tell you how I feel without you hurt
But all the words just seem to hinder

I know you try your best, I'm working at it too
But still when you cast your spell, everytime I see you
Look at me if you still can
The boy you once knew is now a man
So now it seems to be the hardest part,
Say Goodbye and break both our hearts

What can I say when all you see
is that boy that left one winter
You say all you want to do is help
all that happens is you hinder
All my feelings are untrue
And I feel me start to splinter
I can't tell you how I feel without you hurt
But all the words just seem to hinder

What can I say when all you see
is that boy that left one winter
You say all you want to do is help
all that happens is you hinder
All my feelings are untrue
And I feel me start to splinter
I can't tell you how I feel without you hurt
But all the words just seem to hinder

Quotes from Eric

One constant thing. People are going to fight. We can try to make peace but even in that way we will disagree. So we will always fight, the only thing we can try to do is prevent it from escalating to a level that is beyond our control.

Eric Allman

Shit happens, just make sure to clean yourself up afterwards.

Do you? Wonder Qui ero?

The hardest part of growing up is deciding who you want to be. You feel pressures that are really nonexistant and forces unknown. But through career paths and talks of salary who will you be as a person. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a boy who is the spitting image of a man who has struggled and fought. I used to complain that I never wanted to be like this man, my own father.
Today, I sat down and really thought to myself, would it be such a bad thing? Throughout the drama of life, he has managed to keep a level head, an open mind, a patient demeanor and a loving heart.
My own father would go through things few others would. He loves his family more than he loves himself, a feat rarely seen in today's world. And when you finally tell him these things, he will shrug them off in true humility. He is not afraid to let the world see him angry, or sad or even cry. In today's world of stoic masculinity and the ideal rugged man, the thought of a man crying shows he is weak or sissy, or heavan for bid gaywad. He lets his emotions show in goodness to others and himself.
At the end of the day, I really wonder if I could be a fraction of the man he is.
I love you, Dad

The Quiet of my Mind

As the dark closes in, the slate is clear
Sometimes I wish you listened to the thoughts I hear
As I sit alone in this bed for two
all my thoughts return to you

I know I said things, I won't say again
But let's make up and not pretend
that we aren't creatures of our passion
Before we end up Cashing in

I hold my arms wishing you here
But just my thoughts wont bring you near
I wish you would creep up from behind
and bring the quiet to my mind
as my thoughts race like leaves in the wind
the words we said dont even begin
to settle it down, they just remind
Me I wont have the quiet of my mind

I know we said we wouldnt fight
then why the hell am I up so late tonight
They all said love is struggle and pain
But at the end we'd have the gain

While I sit alone, with the pillows of my bed
All the thoughts of you dance through my head
I said I'd be strong as I want to be
but right now I'm feeling so needy

I hold my arms wishing you here
But just my thoughts wont bring you near
I wish you would creep up from behind
and bring the quiet to my mind
as my thoughts race like leaves in the wind
the words we said dont even begin
to settle it down, they just remind
Me I wont have the quiet of my mind

I can wait til the morning for you to say I love you
Keep these words to myself, and you will never know
That these thoughts I keep in my head are too
dangerous to us, When we already said so

But I'll stay here writing these words
hoping somewhere someday they will be heard
but this text screams so much more
than any thing than I did before

I hold my arms wishing you here
But just my thoughts wont bring you near
I wish you would creep up from behind
and bring the quiet to my mind
as my thoughts race like leaves in the wind
the words we said dont even begin
to settle it down, they just remind
Me I wont have the quiet of my mind

A meditation Part 3 Intelligence

With intelligence comes misery. Ignorance is bliss. The truth behind these sayings is more than any can bear. True intelligence is hard to manage, the pain of reason, the cold of truth, and the harsh comfort of logic. This is not to lament the gift of intelligence, but every gift has a curse. Gifts are just half of the coin. A curse is its other half.
All things have a cost, even money has a cost. The truth of life is that everything ebbs and flows with the rest of things, we have to give to take. This is why greed eats only itself. For when nothing is given, EVERYTHING is taken. Think of it, Everything changes and the things we stockpile will eventually die.


 Habere est alienare. Nihil commutaverat.

Remember these things. For these are my words I hoped to be remembered by
Bi i dtiuin

Eric Quotes

Once you decide what you believe, the whole world is yours to do with as you please