Mistakes

The hardest mistakes are the ones we could have prevented. You look back and tell yourself this could have been prevented. I had such mistakes and I dearly paid for them. They came between my family, the caused me to yearn for their approval. I would constantly do things for them but that wouldn't change a thing. I sit here today torturing myself because most of my issues stem from my stupidity. I feel so alone but at the same time I can't let anyone too close, it hurts too much and I cant trust anyone anymore. But ultimately it's my fault and that is the whole of it

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa

A thought for the evening

Over the course of politics and identity crises, there are more important things on my mind. I think of the other people in this world and what kind of legacy I leave. Will it be a good? Who have I hurt, Is my time being spent well? Do the people I care about know I care? Oh well back to numbing the throbbing questions with puppy videos til I fall asleep,

Dear Papa

Dear Dad,
I don't know if you will ever read this but thank you. As I am lying in my bed with a fever, I'm listening to TED talks and one just came up that struck my heart. In today's world the most demeaning thing you can say to a boy is BE A MAN. When I look back, I never see those words in my childhood. Conversely, I only hear YOU ARE A MAN. Even at times I do not feel like a man, yoi have always told me, whether in deed or word, YOU ARE A MAN. Today, this man is thanking his father for everything he has ever done. Through joys and smiles, and the pains that have torn our family to pieces.
Oh, hell, right now I'm crying right now, and right now I am not ashamed. Right now these tears, are from love. You tought me how to cry, you taught me to laugh, you taught me to be in tune with myself. Most of these lessons I did not learn until much later, but not withstading, you laid a foundation for me, not to be a good man, but a great man. I can only hope one day I can pass on your lessons.
I went out to a men's retreat over a year ago, and we talked about St. Joseph. Now as I look back, even with all the icons, there was only one image that filled my head was yours. You were willing to give, whether or not you said a word, and give and give.
You were there when I betrayed you, you were there when I cheated and lied and attacked you. You are still here through Hell and highwater to tell me I love you. My only regret is, I wish I said it to you more often.
Recently, someone asked me what is your earliest memory. I did not reply but now looking back. I think it was me saying "I love you" and you saying "I love you, bud", Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there. Overall, thank you Dad.
I dont think I could ever have made it this far without you in my life.
I love you Dad,
Ink

P.S. I hope to many more years together, Abba.

Hindering me

I dont know what happened today
But everything seems to have gone away
I try my best to make my voice heard
But all you command, is no more words

I understand you are scared of what to do
but dont you realize your words hurt me too

What can I say when all you see
is that boy that left one winter
You say all you want to do is help
all that happens is you hinder
All my feelings are untrue
And I feel me start to splinter
I can't tell you how I feel without you hurt
But all the words just seem to hinder

While I sit in my room and cry
All I can do is wonder why?
"Why would you built me to be hated, God
When I already feel left out and odd"

If I had a Genie, I want one wish
So that they could see I'm not selfish

What can I say when all you see
is that boy that left one winter
You say all you want to do is help
all that happens is you hinder
All my feelings are untrue
And I feel me start to splinter
I can't tell you how I feel without you hurt
But all the words just seem to hinder

I know you try your best, I'm working at it too
But still when you cast your spell, everytime I see you
Look at me if you still can
The boy you once knew is now a man
So now it seems to be the hardest part,
Say Goodbye and break both our hearts

What can I say when all you see
is that boy that left one winter
You say all you want to do is help
all that happens is you hinder
All my feelings are untrue
And I feel me start to splinter
I can't tell you how I feel without you hurt
But all the words just seem to hinder

What can I say when all you see
is that boy that left one winter
You say all you want to do is help
all that happens is you hinder
All my feelings are untrue
And I feel me start to splinter
I can't tell you how I feel without you hurt
But all the words just seem to hinder

Quotes from Eric

One constant thing. People are going to fight. We can try to make peace but even in that way we will disagree. So we will always fight, the only thing we can try to do is prevent it from escalating to a level that is beyond our control.

Eric Allman

Shit happens, just make sure to clean yourself up afterwards.

Do you? Wonder Qui ero?

The hardest part of growing up is deciding who you want to be. You feel pressures that are really nonexistant and forces unknown. But through career paths and talks of salary who will you be as a person. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a boy who is the spitting image of a man who has struggled and fought. I used to complain that I never wanted to be like this man, my own father.
Today, I sat down and really thought to myself, would it be such a bad thing? Throughout the drama of life, he has managed to keep a level head, an open mind, a patient demeanor and a loving heart.
My own father would go through things few others would. He loves his family more than he loves himself, a feat rarely seen in today's world. And when you finally tell him these things, he will shrug them off in true humility. He is not afraid to let the world see him angry, or sad or even cry. In today's world of stoic masculinity and the ideal rugged man, the thought of a man crying shows he is weak or sissy, or heavan for bid gaywad. He lets his emotions show in goodness to others and himself.
At the end of the day, I really wonder if I could be a fraction of the man he is.
I love you, Dad

The Quiet of my Mind

As the dark closes in, the slate is clear
Sometimes I wish you listened to the thoughts I hear
As I sit alone in this bed for two
all my thoughts return to you

I know I said things, I won't say again
But let's make up and not pretend
that we aren't creatures of our passion
Before we end up Cashing in

I hold my arms wishing you here
But just my thoughts wont bring you near
I wish you would creep up from behind
and bring the quiet to my mind
as my thoughts race like leaves in the wind
the words we said dont even begin
to settle it down, they just remind
Me I wont have the quiet of my mind

I know we said we wouldnt fight
then why the hell am I up so late tonight
They all said love is struggle and pain
But at the end we'd have the gain

While I sit alone, with the pillows of my bed
All the thoughts of you dance through my head
I said I'd be strong as I want to be
but right now I'm feeling so needy

I hold my arms wishing you here
But just my thoughts wont bring you near
I wish you would creep up from behind
and bring the quiet to my mind
as my thoughts race like leaves in the wind
the words we said dont even begin
to settle it down, they just remind
Me I wont have the quiet of my mind

I can wait til the morning for you to say I love you
Keep these words to myself, and you will never know
That these thoughts I keep in my head are too
dangerous to us, When we already said so

But I'll stay here writing these words
hoping somewhere someday they will be heard
but this text screams so much more
than any thing than I did before

I hold my arms wishing you here
But just my thoughts wont bring you near
I wish you would creep up from behind
and bring the quiet to my mind
as my thoughts race like leaves in the wind
the words we said dont even begin
to settle it down, they just remind
Me I wont have the quiet of my mind

A meditation Part 3 Intelligence

With intelligence comes misery. Ignorance is bliss. The truth behind these sayings is more than any can bear. True intelligence is hard to manage, the pain of reason, the cold of truth, and the harsh comfort of logic. This is not to lament the gift of intelligence, but every gift has a curse. Gifts are just half of the coin. A curse is its other half.
All things have a cost, even money has a cost. The truth of life is that everything ebbs and flows with the rest of things, we have to give to take. This is why greed eats only itself. For when nothing is given, EVERYTHING is taken. Think of it, Everything changes and the things we stockpile will eventually die.


 Habere est alienare. Nihil commutaverat.

Remember these things. For these are my words I hoped to be remembered by
Bi i dtiuin

Eric Quotes

Once you decide what you believe, the whole world is yours to do with as you please

A meditation: Part 2 Defining Reality and Our Role in it

Belief. A word that has more turmoil attached by a history of love and war than any other. So many seek to covet it, so many others are eager to give theirs. Few are truly willing to speak out of its true nature.

People seldomly understand the true power of belief. From it we can shape the sheer fabric of reality. For how we see the world changes how the world is in our eyes. See it with eyes unclouded. Let not the opinions or judgements of others define your reality. 

The media today has now employed under it the use of my people, wordsmiths. We were reveered as magicians in Egypt, rebels in Rome. Our own founding fathers were trained to be such. Our words are made alive with each thought we have. So, as Ptah of the Egyptians did, we must learn to speak sparingly and only when necessary. Our words carry weight, and people see this. With our words we can and will shape others realities if they are not careful.

We need to learn that we must see something unbiased, nothing is unless we deem it is. The illusion of The Concrete is an illusion. All is nothing, and nothing is all. only what we define as real is real. From the sheer power of belief. We only agree on similar facts. Magic is magic because we agree its magic. Science is science because we believe it is science. That is what makes something Concrete. Agreement with the illusion. 

Remember these things. For these are my words I hoped to be remembered by

Bi i dtiuin

A meditation: Part 1 The Sense and The Source

Today I meditated and found something incredible
We all have an inate desire. One we try to quell with all the different things of this world; food, drink, sex, drugs, even daily tradition. In someways Religion is even used as a way to cloud this feeling of loneliness we all feel. The truth to this life is that this hole cannot be filled, but it can be tamed. For this whole feeling, this Sense as I will refer to it. Is alive
Emotions, one might think, cannot be alive. "You're crazy" is probably the first thought that runs through your mind. The Sense is so much more, it is a desire of something greater. Like it or not we are all created, be it by the Divine or by the moments between our parents. We were created it is a fact of our existance. In a way we are all artificial. Life generating from life, in a way we are all connected. That is why it is important to recognize life in all forms. We are all one. From the first spark of existence be it the will of a deity or a spark of energy from an unbalanced charge, we all come from the same Source. We have yet to find this Source. I guess the only way for us to find it is through our end of this phase. Life and the human will are shaping our reality. Our sheer power of belief has changed our world.

Remember these things. For these are my words I hoped to be remembered by
Bi i dtiuin

Dao to Meaning

Dao to Meaning

By: Eric Allman

What truly is the meaning of life

Is it something we draw from the pain and strife

A wild guess or a prominent vow

To see our life through past the here and now

My solution is we cant look to one another

For meaning to one isn’t the same to another

Je suis

Who am I? I am me. The first, the last, the only. I am unique. There shall be no more of my kind. When I see my reflection I know that I don't try to pretend to be something I am not. I am the only one of my kind, and so are you.

䷰䷧䷂

Do You?... Show love

I want you to think about one person in your life who you genuinely care about.
Got them? Great!
Go tell them you love and appreciate them. RIGHT NOW! I'm willing to bet it'll make their day.
We all need to be loved, and feel it. I have seen too much love be taken for granted, even in my own life. But, without letting people know how they are appreciated, otherwise they don't know how valued they truly are.
TELL SOMEONE THEY ARE LOVED!!!

Do you?... Love yourself

I want yall to think about something. You can't love anybody more than you can love yourself. So how much DO you love yourself. Are there parts of you that you shut out? Pieces you want gone and never return? Bits you think you'd be better without?
well here's a news flash. That's how much you can love somebody else. So my recommendation take an hour today to do things for yourself. Basically take a I love me hour.

Being A Saint

You know I thought for the longest time that in order to be a saint you had to be able to "show it". What I mean by that, I thought that you had to be able to make a miracle.
Yesterday was the Feast of All Saints. For the sermon, the priest talked about all sorts of saints who aren't sign giving saints. So you know what, I don't need to be powerful or miracle-giving. I can get to heaven just being the person I am. Food for thought

Intolerance: The bigotry against Muslims

Recently, I was approached by the principal of my school because I told someone I had friends in the Middle East. Now, he didn't have an issue with their location. He had an issue with the fact they were Muslims.
Everyone reading this should know that I am a devout Catholic, I wouldn't convert even if my life depended on it. That being said, one of my best friends, Toqa, is a Muslim and she is the sweetest person with the most understanding heart in the world (nothing against you Dominka). We laugh together, cry together, draw together, write together, I help her understand my world and she helps me understand her world. When my principal told me that students didn't feel safe around me because I don't condemn their actions, I was sad. Don't get me wrong, I was angry, I was more sad though. I tried to assure him that I wasn't going to do anything to hurt anyone but I could tell that didn't change anything. About a week before, my history teacher went on a rant about how Muslims hate Christians. During that time, I left the room and didn't return until the end of the period to get my stuff and go to lunch.
Muslims aren't evil. The people that do evil things in the name of Islam would do the acts in the name of anything. I know I am going to get hate for this but I will say this, I am ashamed to be a Christian if that means I have to hate Muslims. I refuse to hate Toqa. She means more to me than anything else I know. I have known her for almost three years and I trust her. After my Poppop died, I thought no one could fill the void he left but she did. Her religion makes no negative difference. In fact it makes it easier to talk to her.
All this makes me proud to call her my sister through God. It was by His mercy I found a kindred spirit. For that reason, I refuse to evangelize to her. She is perfect the way she is. I will close with a quote from the Romans to silence all those Christians who would speak ill of our friendship.

But you who eat vegetables only--why do you judge your brother or sister? And you who eat everything--why do you despise your brother or sister? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God

Romans 14:10 

Aha moment

At risk of sounding like a Mutual of Omaha commercial, I had an Aha! moment just a few minutes ago.
I speak a form of creole. It's my own special one, and I use it all the time!

Examples

I use German for questions often like
"Was ist das?" and " Wo bist du"

I use French for introductions like
"C'est moi backpack" and " I lo em"

Then, Chinese just sneaks in
"Can I watch a dianying?" and "I lo wi dong the play"

Latin is just thrown willy-nilly
"Quid tempus will you pick me up?" and "Amo the idea of trevelling"

Somehow, actual Louisianan Creole sneaks in
"But mom, mo travay!" and " ri a is lo flat"

Italian shows itself once in a while
"I modo got un po of help e huwa" and " io non o homework oggi"

Arabic likes to make itself known
"Huwa a libro la in his bookbag" and "enti know it?"

Hebrew comes from nowhere
"I Shomer libro la in my locker" and "Lo pa'al"

Oh sometimes, Gaelic comes into the equation
"I ithim  maiteoil for dinner."

And then when several words have identical meanings across languages they get specific meanings

Book

Katib- a practice book
Libro- a book in general
Buech- a borrowed book
Sefer-a reference book
Shu- a sketch book

Not

non- not (for a specific party or event)

bu/bat - not (for unclassifying parties)

m - uncertain but most likely not

hapana- certainly not, definitely, no possibility of changing

lo- not (generic)

What

Quid-what?

Was-what (thing)

Que?- What(did you say)

 

To be

Hai- reserved for people

shi- reserved for things

ta- used with the progressive tense

Examples

I non sikteyng you - I don't understand what you, specifically, are saying

I bat odi them - I don't hate all but some of them

Huwa ta'm vens- he most likely isn't coming

Id hapana halt- It doesn't stop, ever

Hiya lo ai ya- she doesn't like you

I hai een buachaill tres screwed up

A thought

Sometimes I can't understand why people get upset when the people they affected have every right to be. You have no right to be angry if you wronged someone else.

Inertia

Inertia

Is it possible that inertia can be more than just a property of matter? Could inertia be the natural state of all things? When we wake we don't want to get out of bed unless something is happening. If that other thing wasn't happening, would we stir from our beds?

Don't we easily dismiss change, especially when we enjoy what is? It is hard to make a difference in our own lives because of our resistance. Could joy and contentment be the ultimate recognition of inertia? Could inertia be the force in our life which is unchanging? Inertia could be the traits passed from parent to child. The same traits that we can recognize as part of us. These traits show our unchanging lineage. Does that mean it is wrong to try and change them?

Is our resistance to change a reflection of the matter that comprises our form? Could this be a reflection of our fear of the unknown? Could our fear stem from our form? The order of the universe manifests as inertia, and chaos, entropy. Maybe entropy is the unknown and too much of it will destroy us. Yet we need it to survive. Is our need to face our fears due to the fact we need entropy as much as inertia? We are governed by complex laws we only begin to understand. They are so fragile and delicate , yet they are resilient because of the ability to resist change. Could our fear be one thing that can save us? Could anarchy be the ultimate expression of our fear? Could a government be the representation of our inertia? Is a democracy our attempt to create an artificial version of ourselves? Is a totalitarian government our need to have the stability we crave so dearly?

What do we truly fear more than the unknown? Some embrace their fear and chaos. They stride boldly into the new frontiers and places some could never imagine. If we were all like that, would we be a race today? Our inertia drives our society, our need for each other. While many concepts revolve around birth and death, life represents our order, our inertia. Yet if we were only inertia would we be the same person? No individuality, no unique thoughts? Is chaos the manifestation of our differences? We fear the unknown and the differences we have because we're afraid it will destroy us. But if there was no chaos, would there be an us or a me? Could our inertia be a force which can kill us as much as chaos? Perhaps we need both in order to be as we are.